A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
