she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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