my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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