apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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