a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Randomize
