you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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