If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
