Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Randomize