It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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