I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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