Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
