put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
