It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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