i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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