Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
