Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
