Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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