R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
