how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
