is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
