in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
