ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
