So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
