Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
