i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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