Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
