Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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