My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Vodka?
Forever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
