I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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