textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
