drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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