so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
