there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
