I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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