I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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