About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
