my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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