id be glad to
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
