Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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