Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
