Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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