I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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