it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
