Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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