God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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