Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Text me some of your sweat
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
