while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
