I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
