but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
