OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
