I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
