Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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