I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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