I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
