Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
