They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
